(LESSON 7):--- Haters and Critics: How to Deal with People Judging You and Your Work by James Clear
An Excerpt from James Clear:
“It does not matter how you choose to live your life — whether you build a business or work a corporate job; have children or choose not to have children; travel the world or live in the same town all of your life; go to the gym 5 times a week or sit on the couch every night — whatever you do, someone will judge you for it.
For one reason or another, someone will find a reason to project their insecurities, their negativity, and their fears onto you and your life, and you will have to deal with it.
With that in mind, let us talk about being judged and criticized. And just for fun, I will share some of the most hateful comments I have received on my articles. And more importantly, the strategies I use to deal with them.
Here is what I have learned about dealing with the people who judge you, your work, and your goals.
The Biggest Critic in Your Life:
It is easier to complain about the outside critics, but the biggest critic in your life usually lives between your own two ears. Working up the courage to move past your own vulnerability and uncertainty is often the greatest challenge you will face on the way to achieving your goals.
When I started my first business, it was not the criticism from outsiders that held me back. It was my own mind worrying that people would think I was a loser because I skipped getting a “real job” to “start some website.” I did not tell most of my friends about what I was doing for almost a year because I was so worried about what they would think about it.
When I started writing, it was not the hurtful comments from readers that prevented me from getting started. It was my own fears about what they would think if I wrote about the things I cared about. I wrote my ideas in a private document for a year before I worked up the courage to start sharing them publicly.
Those are just two examples of the types of internal fears and criticism that so often prevent us from getting started on our goals. It can take a lifetime to learn that just because people criticize you do not mean they really care about your choice to do something different. Usually, the haters simply criticize and move on. And that means that you can safely ignore them and continue doing your thing.
But that is easier said than done because we all like to be validated. Some people like it more than others, but everyone wants to be respected and appreciated to some degree. I certainly do. I know that whenever I choose to take a risk and share my work with the world, I wonder about what my friends will think, what my family will think, and how the people around me will see me because of that choice. Will this help my reputation? Will this hurt my reputation? Should I even be worrying about my reputation?
Especially with writing, these questions created an internal struggle for me.
On one hand, I believed in myself and I knew that I wanted to contribute something to the world around me. But on the other hand, I was scared that people would not approve of my work and would criticize me when I started sharing the things I cared about or believed.
I have written previously about the challenge of putting yourself out there by saying, “You can either be judged because you created something or ignored because you left your greatness inside of you.”
Eventually, I decided that it was more important to contribute something to the world than it was to protect myself from criticism.
The Truth About Criticism:
The truth about criticism is that it is almost always in your head.
Here is an example from my personal experience…
In the last 9 months, my articles have been read by more than 1.2 million people (250,000+ on my site and over 1 million on other sites that publish my work).
Of those people, about 98% of people have read a particular article and moved on with their life. About 2% of people have read an article and decided to become part of our little community by joining my free newsletter. (Thank you! It is great to have you here!) And about 0.0008% of people have decided to be a jerk and send me a negative comment or email.
Even though the vast majority of readers were positive or neutral about my work, the critics were still heard loud and clear.
Apparently, the tendency to hold onto negative criticism is natural for most people. According to Roy Baumeister and researchers at Florida State University, we remember negative emotions much more strongly and in more vivid detail.
In a research paper titled, “Bad Is Stronger Than Good”, Baumeister summarizes academic studies that prove that we are more likely to remember negative criticism than praise. Baumeister found that even happy people tend to remember more negative events than positive ones. In fact, Baumeister and his team say that when it comes to your brain, it takes about five positive events to make up for one negative event.
I will talk about a strategy for getting over this in a moment. But first, I want to share some of the criticism I have received recently.
Pour Me a Glass of Haterade (My Most Hateful Comments):
Each month, there is usually someone who whines about how my articles are totally worthless. For example, one reader recently left a comment saying, “I should have known better than to waste time reading this.”
Another reader so eloquently wrote, “What is interesting here is the author firmly believes that there are millions of dumb people in this world who believe in this crap.”
At least those people commented on the actual article. Hate mail gets even better when people start ignoring your work entirely and make judgments about you as a person instead.
Earlier this month, someone said that I was clearly “someone with a job with limited travel and without a busy lifestyle. Oh, to have no responsibilities…”
Another kind gentleman just got straight to the point and said, “This author is a waste of skin.”
All of this hate for someone who writes about building better habits, being healthy, and living an adventurous life. Could you imagine if I wrote about something that was actually controversial like politics or religion?
And that brings us to the main point: it does not matter what you do, there will always be someone who finds fault in it. So how do you get over it and move forward anyway? Here is one approach that might help…
Focus on the Road, Not the Wall:
Many racing experts consider Mario Andretti to be the most successful and versatile racing driver of all-time. During his career, Andretti won the Indianapolis 500, Daytona 500, Formula One World Championship and the Pikes Peak International Hill Climb. He is one of only two drivers in history to win races in Formula One, IndyCar, World Sportscar Championship, and NASCAR.
During an interview with SUCCESS magazine, Andretti was asked for his number one tip for success in race car driving. He said, “Do not look at the wall. Your car goes where your eyes go.”
When young drivers are starting to race, this is one of the most critical lessons that they learn. When you are driving at 200mph you need to focus on the road in front of you. If you look at the wall, then you will end up hitting it.
The same could be said for your life, your work, and dealing with critics.
Criticism and negativity from other people is like a wall. And if you focus on it, then you will run right into it. You will get blocked by negative emotions, anger, and self-doubt. Your mind will go where your attention is focused. Criticism and negativity do not prevent you from reaching the finish line, but they can certainly distract you from it.
However, if you focus on the road in front of you and on moving forward, then you can safely speed past the walls and barriers that are nearby.
This is my preferred approach to criticism. When someone dishes out a negative comment, use that as a signal to recommit to your work and to refocus on the road ahead of you. Some people are determined to take things personally and tear down the work of others. Your life is too short to worry about pleasing those people.
Focus on the road, not the wall.
How to Respond to Haters
Most people need love and acceptance a lot more than they need advice.
In rare circumstances, you may want to respond to the people who dish criticism your way. If that is the case, then I think Gary Vaynerchuk provides a good example of how to do it.
When Vaynerchuk published his best-selling book Crush It, he received dozens of 1-star and 2-star reviews on Amazon. Negative reviewers claimed that the book was “absolutely awful” and called it a “piece of crap with no value whatsoever.”
And this was for a book that was a best-seller!
Rather than fight back and justify his work, Gary decided to respond to many of the negative reviews with a sincere apology. For example, a reader named Frank left a 1-star review for the book in which he complained, “How did this book ever get published?”
Vaynerchuk responded to him by saying…
Frank I am so so sorry I under delivered for you, I hope to meet u and spend 15 minutes apologizing and answering any questions u may have, I guess I needed more details in there for u, I am so sorry.
Despite using grammar from a high school text message, Vaynerchuk ended up getting Franks number and called him to talk things over.
After their conversation, Frank wrote a follow-up comment on his book review saying, “If Amazon had a people ranking system, I did have to give Gary 5 stars. One cannot help being impressed by someone who gets back to you so quickly and handles criticism so graciously.”
If you are going to respond to your critics, then getting a response like that should be your goal. Rather than beating the haters back with insults, win them back with sincerity. Most people do not want to be convinced that your work is wonderful; they just want to know that you care.
Where to Go From Here
I have said this many times before, but it bears repeating: I donot really have anything figured out. I am not an expert and I do not have all the answers. I am still learning to deal with criticism like everyone else.
But in my limited experiences, here is what I can summarize about dealing with haters.
First and foremost, do not be the hater. Do not be the person who tears down someone else hard work. The world needs more people who contribute their gifts and share their work and ideas. Working up the courage to do that can be tough. Support the people who display that courage.
If you are dealing with criticism, then do not let the wall keep you from seeing the road. Focus on the path ahead. Another way I heard it put recently, “Ignore the boos. They usually come from the cheap seats.”
If you choose to respond to the haters, then surprise them with kindness. You might just win a new fan while you are at it.
Finally, and most importantly, make the choices that are right for you. People will criticize you either way.”
No doubt, with these ideas, you should be well engaged to make change in your life and stick to healthier habitual and moral lifestyle for the long term.
And my final two points should be:
1. Knowledge without action is entirely useless. You are now well equipped with tools to use and change your life, now it is time to do it. I know you have a lot of goals that are important to you, then, use these ideas to make it a reality.
2. Doing my best for our community is my priority so; we are here to support you. I write two articles for a small community each week, Monday and Thursday, and these small communities are people who are to getting better, living healthier, and making the world a better place.
I do my best to help them achieve their goals, and this is my part to play, and I will always like to do the same for you.
So, if you have questions, you can always contact me at http://www.anyi-nature.com/newsletter.php
I know, I do not have it all figured out, but my best is channeled towards the tiny action that accumulates to greatness with time, as you follow me along the way.
I am pleased to help you if there is anything I can do for you. I am here to help however I can.
Small Decissions, Mighty Results)
Current Articles (Habitual & Moral-lifestyles)(LESSON 11):-- Mastering Your Memory. How keen is Your Observation?
(Lesson 10):-- Creating a Chain Reaction of Good Habits Using the “Domino Effect”
(LESSON 9):-- The Habits Scorecard: This Simple Exercise Will Help You Discover The Habits You Should Change.
(LESSON 8):-- How You Can Make Your Future Habits Easy
(LESSON 7):-- How To Break A Bad Habit (And Build Lasting Good Habits)
(LESSON 6):-- Are You Afraid You Have Failed? Look At How To Fit A New Habit Into Your Life
(LESSON 5):-- Tiny Actions (Best Way To Start A New Habit)
(LESSON 4):-- Forming Habits Of Identity And Willpower (Sticking To Your Goals For Long Time)
(LESSON 3):-- The Science Behind How Your Habits Work
(LESSON 2):-- Avoiding The Common Mistake Most People Make
(LESSON 1):-- Why Do People Find it Difficult to Stick to Good Moral Habits?
Articles - 2019 (Habitual & Moral-lifestyles)(LESSON 1):--HOW TO FORM HABIT OF SAVING MORE MONEY
(LESSON 2):-- How To Become An Efficient Leader Taking Your Initiative To Great Level By Believing In Yourself
(LESSON 3):-- How To Profit By Imagination
(LESSON 4):-- The Six Enemies Which Ride Millions To Failure Without Being Discovered
(LESSON 5):-- Poverty, The Richest Experience That Can Come To a Boy.
(LESSON 6):-- What Do You Understand By an ATTRACTIVE Personality?
(LESSON 7):--- Haters and Critics: How to Deal with People Judging You and Your Work by James Clear
(LESSON 8):--- How To Rise Above The “They Say” Class And Become An Accurate Thinker ACCURATE THOUGHT
(LESSON 9):-- Summary Of “ACCURATE THOUGHT & DESIRE” And The Principles Involved.
(LESSON 10):-- What Are “Suggestions & Auto-suggestions” And How They Affect Your Career And Or Talent
(LESSON 11):-- The Value Of “Reminding Yourself What To Do” (Auto-suggestion) In Achieving Your Career & Or Talent.
(LESSON 12):-- How To Harness And Control Your Habit Instead Of Becoming a Slave To It.
(LESSON 13):--- How Our Environment Influences Our Lives Either Negatively Or Positively.
(LESSON 14):--- The Magic Key To Success, What Is This Magic Key?
(LESSON 15):-- The Enemy You Must Conquer Before You Can Become a Person Of ACTION
(LESSON 16):-- FAILURE; a Temporary Defeat, Not a Downfall
(LESSON 17):-- How To Develop The Best That Is In a Person
(LESSON 18):--- The Spirit Of Making Money; How Would You Feel If You Get Rich Today?
(LESSON 19):-- How To Persuade Somebody To Do Something You Want
(LESSON 20):-- Successful People Are Not Always Talented, Why Is Talent Alone Not Enough?
(LESSON 21):-- What Does It Take To Be Successful?
(LESSON 22):-- What Is The Greatest Obstacle To Success?
(LESSON 23):-- How To Lift Your Talent To Its Highest Level
(LESSON 24):-- What Do You Think Carries People To The Top Of Their Career And Talent?
(LESSON 25):--- How To Fire-Up Your Passion, If You Lack The Energy You Desired
(LESSON 26):-- 8 Ways To Make FOCUS Your Friend
(LESSON 27):-- PREPARATION: What Happens When You Do, Or Do Not Get Prepared And Six Preparation Principles
(LESSON 28):-- What To Do When You Make a Mistake
(LESSON 29): PERSEVERANCE:-- Developing “Staying Power” In Your Career And Or Talent Pursuit
(LESSON 30):-- Five Enemies Of Perseverance (Staying Power), And How To Eliminate Them.
(LESSON 31):-- To Be Able To Sustain Your Talent, Then Take The Following Steps:
(LESSON 32):-- DAILY ROUTINE RECOMMENDED BY EXPERTS FOR PEAK PRODUCTION
(LESSON 33):-- HOW YOU CAN HUMBLY ASK YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS
(LESSON 34):-- HOW TO FIX FAILURE AND THE 3 PHASES (stages) IN LIFE AND WORK
(LESSON 35):-- HOW TO DROP THE HABIT OF PROCRASTINATION
(LESSON 36):-- HOW TO CREATE A SUPPORTIVE AND COMFORTABLE WORK ENVIRONMENT
(Lesson 37):-- 6 Criteria To Know If You Are Doing A Good Job
(LESSON 38):-- The Hidden Danger Of Comparing Yourself To Others
(LESSON 49):-- THE REASON WHY WE WANT THINGS WE DO NOT NEED --- AND HERE IS WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT.
(LESSON 50):-- How To Figure Out What To Focus On In Life. (By Experts)
(LESSON 51):-- The Impact Of (Positive Thinking) On Your Work, And Your Life
(LESSON 52):-- Is There Any Reason To Embrace Sudden Change In Life?
(LESSON 53):-- How To Exhibit Courage And Live Without Regrets.
(LESSON 54):-- PRIDE…. Problems With Pride And How To Overcome Them
(LESSON 55):--- Ways to Tell Whether a Relationship is Positive Or Negative (Generalized).
(LESSON 56):-- Five Signs of a Solid Relationship
(LESSON 57):-- Twelve Ways to Keep Yourself Charged Up
(LESSON 58):-- When to Hire Help For Your Business
(LESSON 59):-- A Five Minutes Warm-Up For Peak Performance
(LESSON 60):-- What Is Your Definite Chief Aim? Do You Have an Objective In Life?
(LESSON 61):-- How To Build Self-Confidence In Your Career Job & Talent
(LESSON 62):-- How Fear From Social Heredity Can Rob-Off Your Talent/Career Job.
(LESSON 63):-- How Imagination Affects All You Do Towards Attaining Your Definite Chief Aim
(LESSON 64):-- How Enthusiasm Will Affect Your Career And Talent
(LESSON 65):--- How To Possess The Quality Of SEFL-CONTROL In Your Career & Talent
(LESSON 66):-- Forms Of SELF-CONTROL That Causes More Grief
(LESSON 67):-- BENEFITS OF WORKING MORE THAN PAID FOR
(LESSON 68):-- The “thought” which does more than gather, organize and combine facts